Open Letter to Princess Mary

With only days left until I arrive in Sweden, I’m getting increasingly anxious about my work situation. Which got me thinking: Maybe I should contact other Australian expats for advice? We’re always being told that Australians like to stick together, and help each other out. With this in mind, I’ve decided I should approach Princess Mary Donaldson of Denmark, and see what advice she can impart.


Court of TRH The Crown Princess of Denmark
PO Box 2143
DK-1015 Copenhagen K
Denmark

Dear Princess Mary

My name is Nic, and I’m a young Australian who is about to move to Sweden. I, like many Australians, have been inspired by your riches-to-riches story. Not a day goes by that I don’t marvel at your lifetime of achievement. My friends and I will spend hours talking about you, with our admiration often reducing us into stunned silence. Whenever I meet other Scandinavians, your name often comes up, and every time I’m proud to tell them: “Mary and I were born under the jurisdictions of the same state!”
Many have said you’re a role model for all young Australian women. But as the most successful Australian living in Scandinavia, you’re also a role model for me. Thus I am attempting to follow your example, and currently in the process of wooing Princess Victoria of Sweden, in the hope that I too can marry into royalty. As one Australian expatriate to another, I seek your help and assistance.

No doubt you know Princess Victoria personally. In fact you’re probably even related. (We know what you royals are like: nearly as incestuous as Tasmanians!). So I was wondering if it was possible for you to introduce us? I’d prefer to avoid a one-on-one meeting, as I fear that could be awkward and uncomfortable. I was thinking about something subtler, like a nice informal dinner party at your palace in Copenhagen. That way we could meet and chat casually. Maybe invite some of your close friends, and “randomly” sit Victoria and I next to one another.
I might also need your assistance in facilitating conversation, so as to avoid any uncomfortable silences. Maybe slip in a few fixers such as “So Nic, tell us about your new yacht,” or “I can’t believe you were voted Most Eligible Batchelor of the Year again!” And every so often try a “really Victoria, what a coincidence, Nic also likes to watch movies. You two have so much in common!” I take it as given that you’ll also fain laughter at all my jokes.

I’m sure you’re a very busy woman (those ceremonial ribbons don’t cut themselves) but I’d really appreciated it if you could make this a priority. As heir to the Swedish throne, Princess Victoria is obviously quite a catch, and I fear she will not remain single for too long. Thus, time is of the essence, and I’m quite keen to get the ball rolling on this one. So, if you could get back to me ASAP with the arrangements, I’d be very grateful.
Yours faithfully,
Nic Townsend
PS. Would it also be possible to stay at your palace while I’m in Copenhagen? If this isn’t convenient, can you recommend any good backpacker hostels?